Hottie Hucksters

Well, it appears the crazy lunatic ranting hockey chick has gone into hibernation for a while, but that's okay. If you want real analysis of Ottawa's triumphant, history-busting OT win there are a myriad of places you can look, so I'm not to concerned that I'm leaving people high and dry. In fact, I'd like to take this time to discuss an issue that has been on my mind over these past few weeks, spurred on by endless hours spent watching hockey broadcasts on Versus.

If you've had the good fortune to watch any games on Versus this year, regular season or playoffs, I'm sure you've been treated to the neverending loop of advertisements that play incessantly throughout the evening. Those same five or six commercials play over and over until you not only know the jingles by heart, you also begin analyzing the ads, parsing them for some hidden meaning that may have gotten lost in the catchy slogans and addictive characters.

Of course, our analysis of these 30-second snippets of our lives aren't always that deep. I only have to think back to one of the Caps blogger happy hours, many moons ago, when I had the opportunity to overhear (or participate in, it's all a little hazy) the following conversation:

Caps Blogger #1: Hey, it's that esurance commercial!

Caps Blogger #2: That Erin chick is hot.

Caps Blogger #1: But...she's a cartoon.

Caps Blogger #2: So?

Caps Blogger #1: She has pink hair.

Caps Blogger #2: She's still hot.

Caps Blogger #1: But she's a cartoon. With pink hair.

Caps Blogger #2: I'm telling you, she's hot!

Caps Blogger #1: (stunned silence)

It's one of the more surreal moments of my life but it got me thinking - which spokespeople would we bring home to the 'rents...and which ones would scare the bejeezus out of us in the light of day?

Let's take a look at the familiar faces we've gotten to know this postseason:

Erin Esurance

Pro: Saving the world from overpriced insurance can take a lot out of a girl, but luckily this kickass chick's got everything under control. The ultimate multitasker, she can jump out of windows, drive racecars, and even play hockey - all while maintaining perfect hair and makeup.

Con: Did I mention that she has pink hair? Her voice is an obnoxious cross between a stoned surfer and Eartha Kitt. Plus she's always arriving and leaving with little warning, so I'm guessing she's not a cuddler...of course, you men out there would love that.

Verdict? If I were a computer-generated man, I wouldn't kick her out of bed. As a real live woman who prefers the menfolk, however, I'll have to pass.

Mr. Erin Esurance (yeah, I have no idea what his real name is)

Pro: Those chiseled features and that 'aw shucks' grin are enough to make any girl melt. The boy knows how to wear a tux, too. Throw in his obvious charm and devotion to Erin and you've got an unbeatable combination. Bonus? He's secure enough in his manhood to know when the only right man for the job...is a woman.

Con: He's a little whipped to be honest, spending the majority of his time staring dumbstruck at a certain pink-haired lady, and he's never able to be the one saving the world - just the one who calls for help. Probably was (is?) a total mama's boy.

Verdict? I'll play the non-computer-generated card once more and say pass...but if they made him in human form? Yowza. Think Rick DiPietro with a better hairdo.


Smilin' Bob

Pro: He's very, er, happy. Snappy dresser, nice smile, a hell of a golf swing, and apparently successful in every aspect of his life - on paper he's the perfect man. Who doesn't love a cheerful guy, right?

Con: You know the old wives' tale, "if you keep making that face it's going to freeze that way"? Bob apparently didn't heed the warning and now his face is oddly contorted, giving him a somewhat dim expression. He's got kind of a one-track mind, too.

Verdict? Setting aside the obvious benefits of a guy like Bob, he's hopelessly devoted to his '50s wife and seems in no rush to move on. And that haircut has to go. I'll say no for now but I'll make a barber's appointment for him and keep an ear to the ground for divorce rumblings...

Geico Cavemen

Pro: Deceptively smart and civilized, with a love of mango salsa and racquet sports that belie their under-evolved exterior. The rock and roll hair is a nice touch as well, and you just know those arm muscles have to be well-defined from wielding a club all these years.

Con: Bitter and angry guys with emotional baggage and inferiority complexes are trouble...not to mention the fact that these guys are in serious need of an eyebrow waxing.

Verdict? Hey, I love the hairy, grunting type - I'm a hockey fan, remember?

Jared the Subway Guy

Pro: A healthy guy is always sexy, and Jared has that down-to-earth appeal of a guy next door that seems safe and unintimidating. He can sucker you in with those good guy vibes and get you free sandwiches to boot. What could be better?

Con: He's a little too happy about the sandwiches. Plus, carrying around those old baggy pants is so not a turn-on - and neither is the constant smell of lunch meat, for that matter.

Verdict? Jared, we're all proud of you for losing 700 pounds...but not that proud. Sorry.

Sasquatch

Pro:

He's got that dark, brooding thing down pat. His ability to constantly one-up the drunken idiots who insist on messin' with him is a definite plus, as is his shaggy, unkempt style - very apropos for the playoffs. And you know what they say about guys with big feet...

Con: Beef jerky breath could ruin the mood, as could his lack of a sense of humor. I'm not sure he can string a full sentence together, either, so who knows what the potential for sparkling conversation would be; I'm thinking lots of grunts and monosyllabic words (although I'm not sure how different that would be from some guys I've known...)

Verdict? A little shave, a little breath mint, we could really have something. Plus did I mention what they say about guys with big feet?