Well, it appears the crazy lunatic ranting hockey chick has gone into hibernation for a while, but that's okay. If you want real analysis of Ottawa's triumphant, history-busting OT win there are a myriad of places you can look, so I'm not to concerned that I'm leaving people high and dry. In fact, I'd like to take this time to discuss an issue that has been on my mind over these past few weeks, spurred on by endless hours spent watching hockey broadcasts on Versus.
Mr. Erin Esurance (yeah, I have no idea what his real name is)
Con: He's a little whipped to be honest, spending the majority of his time staring dumbstruck at a certain pink-haired lady, and he's never able to be the one saving the world - just the one who calls for help. Probably was (is?) a total mama's boy.
Verdict? I'll play the non-computer-generated card once more and say pass...but if they made him in human form? Yowza. Think Rick DiPietro with a better hairdo.
Pro: He's very, er, happy. Snappy dresser, nice smile, a hell of a golf swing, and apparently successful in every aspect of his life - on paper he's the perfect man. Who doesn't love a cheerful guy, right?
Con: You know the old wives' tale, "if you keep making that face it's going to freeze that way"? Bob apparently didn't heed the warning and now his face is oddly contorted, giving him a somewhat dim expression. He's got kind of a one-track mind, too.
Verdict? Setting aside the obvious benefits of a guy like Bob, he's hopelessly devoted to his '50s wife and seems in no rush to move on. And that haircut has to go. I'll say no for now but I'll make a barber's appointment for him and keep an ear to the ground for divorce rumblings...
Pro: Deceptively smart and civilized, with a love of mango salsa and racquet sports that belie their under-evolved exterior. The rock and roll hair is a nice touch as well, and you just know those arm muscles have to be well-defined from wielding a club all these years.
Con: Bitter and angry guys with emotional baggage and inferiority complexes are trouble...not to mention the fact that these guys are in serious need of an eyebrow waxing.
Pro: A healthy guy is always sexy, and Jared has that down-to-earth appeal of a guy next door that seems safe and unintimidating. He can sucker you in with those good guy vibes and get you free sandwiches to boot. What could be better?
Verdict? Jared, we're all proud of you for losing 700 pounds...but not that proud. Sorry.
Con: Beef jerky breath could ruin the mood, as could his lack of a sense of humor. I'm not sure he can string a full sentence together, either, so who knows what the potential for sparkling conversation would be; I'm thinking lots of grunts and monosyllabic words (although I'm not sure how different that would be from some guys I've known...)
Verdict? A little shave, a little breath mint, we could really have something. Plus did I mention what they say about guys with big feet?