Friday, June 29, 2007

Offseason Activity

It's summer. It's hot. July 1 is still two days away. It kind of makes you want to jump off a building, doesn't it?

Well, fear not, loyal readers! Straight from the Cheap Seats, here are:

64 Things to Do During the Offseason

1. Watch “The Goal” over and over on YouTube until you’ve memorized Joe B.’s call word for word, ending with “Simply sensational!” Perform it at family gatherings without being asked.

2. Reenact “The Goal” on the tiled floor of your kitchen or bathroom.

3. Create miniature versions of each of the Capitals and set up a diorama scene depicting your favorite game from this past season. Bonus points if you make a tiny flying Briere suspended in mid-air...oh, CapsChick, no. That crosses the line into tasteless. (Or maybe hilarious? Come on, people, he was fine! You know I wouldn’t say it if he’d been really badly hurt...)

4. Watch baseball. No, really.

5. Watch soccer. No, not really.

6. Make a Sidney Crosby voodoo doll and think of fun places to stick the pins.

7. Go into downtown DC and pretend you’re a tourist – add a fanny pack and a confused expression while staring at the metro map for extra realism.

8. Buy an air horn and sit on your couch, alternating three blasts with shouts of “Let’s Go Caps!” (The neighbors will LOVE you!)

9. Grow a mullet.

10. Play the Comcast Sportsnet SportsNite Summer Drinking Game (patent pending):
- take a drink if one of the anchors stumbles over their lines or mispronounces a local athlete’s name
- take one drink if they show a Nats player dropping the ball; take two drinks if it’s Ryan Zimmerman
- chug a beer every time they show a 300 lb football player running around in the 100 degree heat
- chug a six-pack if he passes out
- do a shot of tequila if they show Manny Acta looking like he’s going to cry
- down a bottle of vodka if Teddy Roosevelt wins the “Running of the Presidents”
- do three baby shots whenever they show or make reference to Tiger Woods’ wife and/or new baby
- throw the bottle at the TV if they make some joke about calling the kid "Tigger"
- drop a Jager bomb whenever they air a ‘highlight’ of the Nats giving up more than 3 runs in an inning (proceed with caution, that one could get dangerous)
- do 5 shots whenever they show more than a 30-second clip of Mystics basketball
- do 10 shots if you recognize any of the players
- take a drink if they use the words “Orioles manager” and “fired” in the same sentence
- take a drink if they show footage of a Red Sox or Yankees game that doesn’t involve a local team; take two if it’s a Red Sox vs. Yankees game
- finish off your entire liquor supply if they talk about the Caps’ rookie camp at all

11. Watch the clip of Semin throwing the puck at the net during the Caps-Leafs game. Then do your best impression of Chad Kilger’s best impression of a whiny 5 year old.

12. Find a picture of your least favorite player and use Paint or PhotoShop to give him a pretty new look – I suggest an evening gown with matching handbag.

13. Read every post ever written in your favorite blog (*cough*A View from the Cheap Seats*cough*)

14. Come up with an ending for the following joke: Ovechkin, Crosby and Phaneuf walk into a bar...

15. Paint the Caps’ new logo all over your car/house then ask people to guess what team you root for.

16. Perfect the dying art of origami.

17. Surround yourself with a dozen empty folding chairs and throw on a tape of a Caps’ game. Ah, just like being there, isn’t it?

18. Enter a high dive competition under the name “Sidney Crosby”.

19. Watch Washington Post Live. NO, NOT REALLY.

20. Create paper dolls of the unrestricted free agents and dress them up in little jerseys as they sign with new teams.

21. Travel to the small Canadian towns where your favorite Caps live and knock on everyone’s door asking if they are Capitals fans.

22. Stage a Chris Chelios’ lookalike contest among the neighborhood bulldogs and pugs. Winner gets a liver snap and a contract extension.

23. Go to the race track and bet on the #8 horse in every race.

24. Make up a dirty version of Stompin’ Tom Connors’ “The Good Old Hockey Game”

25. Do your own “Slapjack” stunt, complete with padded eagle costume.

26. Search for the meaning of life using only Google.

27. Go to a hotel and order everything on the room service menu. Then when it arrives, clench your fists and say “OVECHKIN!” Repeat at your own risk.

28. Walk the streets of Buffalo wearing a Chris Neil jersey...just to see what happens.

29. Set up a silent vigil outside Verizon Center with flowers, candles, and a blown-up picture of Kris Beech.

30. Call up Kansas City’s Ticketmaster outlet and ask for 10 tickets to the next KC Penguins game.

31. Go to a Nats game, sit behind home plate, and yell out “Nice save, Olie!” every time Brian Schneider blocks a wild pitch.

32. Go to a Mystics game, sit courtside, and yell out “Put the biscuit in the basket!” every time someone shoots the ball.

33. Write Ted hundreds of e-mails a day begging him to switch the jerseys back to black...just for fun.

34. Go ice skating and yell out “toe pick!” whenever someone falls.

35. Go to a friends’ birthday party in spandex underclothes and try to light their birthday candles with a blowtorch.

36. Order nothing but "wodka" drinks at your local bar...pronouncing it "wodka" every time.

37. Watch major league lacrosse to hear Joe B.’s dulcet tones. (I wonder if anyone “scampers into the zone” in lacrosse?)

38. Visit a sports bar and complain loudly about the lack of hockey being shown on the TV screens.

39. Walk down the street with a hockey stick and spear people in the groin; if you get stopped by the police, simply point out that Briere does it all the time without punishment.

40. Spend a night in jail.

41. Get on a bus or the metro during rush hour and wait until its really quiet, then randomly yell out “Hat trick, Alexander Semin!” and see who stares.

42. Go to a children’s soccer team and recite the speech from ‘Miracle’ to the team that is losing. If that doesn’t work, try the speech from ‘Animal House’.

43. Rearrange the shelves at your grocery store so that the peanut butter and cookies are all on the top shelf.

44. Make a life-size replica of your favorite player out of Popsicle sticks. Add glitter and macaroni for extra flare.

45. Give in to the NHL’s subliminal messages and just build that damn shrine to Sidney Crosby already.

46. Watch any hockey game from last season and count the number of phrases that could double as dirty euphemisms.

47. Sit in the corner for the rest of the evening after realizing you spent 2+ hours thinking only of dirty euphemisms.

48. Dig up your old Caps’ music videos from the late ‘80s and sing along at the top of your lungs. (Come on, you know the words: “Double trouble, that’s what we’ve got...what are we gonna do? Double trouble, that’s what we’ve got; the Capitals red white and blue.”)

49. Start referring to your cubicle at work as the “sin bin”. Stand up occasionally and bang on the wall, hurling insults at your boss as they walk by.

50. Look for a new job.

51. Host a “Mighty Ducks” trilogy marathon, joining in with the chants of “Quack, quack, quack” with full enthusiasm. If anyone is left standing, follow it up with a bonus showing of “Youngblood”.

52. Go to the beach. What, you think they all have to be insane? It’s summer, go to the beach!

53. Walk around for an entire day saying nothing but “my name is Inigo killed my father...prepare to die” over and over and over. And over and over. And over. Throw in the occasional “aaaaaaaaas yooooooooou wiiiiiiiiish” just to throw people off.

54. Play 6 degrees of separation using your favorite hockey players. Bonus if you can get from Mike Eagles to Shane Doan in less than 6 steps...or at all.

55. Hold a “Blades of Steel” tournament and award the winner a tiny replica Stanley Cup, which they must then parade through the streets.

56. Cut out real estate listings in the Pittsburgh area and mail them to Sidney Crosby.

57. Stop random people on the street and ask them, “Do you know #8?”

58. Send Chris Drury a free, one-way plane ticket to Washington, DC everyday until he gives in. Include a note offering him the use of your couch until he finds a place to live.

59. Clean your house from top to bottom using your old Jagr jersey as a dust rag.

60. Go to an ice cream parlor and ask for free samples of every flavor, then leave without buying any.

61. Finally rent and watch Citizen Kane.

62. Understand why you had never rented and watched Citizen Kane after falling asleep halfway through and waking up with a cheese doodle stuck to your face.

63. Teach your two-year-old child/cousin/niece/nephew/etc. to clap whenever you say “Ovechkin”...or to boo whenever you say “Jagr”.

64. Brainstorm fun new names for potential lines next year. For example, in an alternate universe you could have the Fleischmann-Steckel-Ovechkin line...or as I call it, the Steck O’ Butter line. Thank you, folks, I’ll be here all week! Try the veal.
[Okay, yes - Fleischmann's is a brand of margarine, not butter but come on - Steck O' Margarine just doesn't sound as good.]

Extra Cheap Seats challenge: if you actually do any of these things, film it, stick it on YouTube and send me an e-mail so I can share it...I'm always happy to provide a forum for people making asses of themselves.


KMS2 said...

WOW! well done! If I was still 8 and had my nerf hockey sticks and puck, I would so try to Reenact “The Goal” on the tiled floor of your kitchen or bathroom

Murshawursha said...

"Give in to the NHL’s subliminal messages and just build that damn shrine to Sidney Crosby already."

...and then set fire to it in the street, laughing maniacally all the while.

hockeygirl said...

Word to your... :P

Pookie said...

CC, this list is truly a wonder to behold. I'll even ignore the digs at poor tragic Sid. As for the dirty euphamisms, how about this gem from, I think a Dallas game: "He's got a big elephant gun in the backend." That was by far the best I heard all season.

CapsChick said...

kms2: I find that kitchen spoons and an orange work just as well! Um...not that I've...tried...or anything. Ahem.

murshawursha: Couldn't have said it better myself ;)

HG: Don't make me come up there and hurt you.

Pookie: Pffft...poor tragic Sid my, er, rear end. Oh, and that dirty euphemism is hilarious by the way, although it really doesn't take much - my roommate and I crack up everytime someone says "he couldn't get it up"...and if no one says it we feel compelled to add it in to our own commentary. It's oddly satisfying and somehow always funny...

Biff said...

If someone finds me a copy of Blades of Steel and a working NES, I will organize that tournament. I swear.

Steph said...

I've never reenacted "The Goal", but I did reenact that Jamie McLennan debacle at the end of the Wings/Flames game five using my coffee table as the net and an empty bottle of apple juice as Noodles.

I only wish that could be youtubed. It was probably one of my finer moments.

The Peerless said...

Now that is a hall of fame article!....

Bitchany said...

I personally have started playing NHL on my play station 2 every night after I get's very exciting.

Jordi said...

5. Watch soccer. No, not really.

I'd watch it! Sheesh

I've spent 30 hours doing #47 though.