Thursday, December 27, 2007

Gameday Preview: Caps vs Penguins

Who: Washington Capitals vs. Pittsburgh Penguins
Where: Mellon Arena
When: Thursday, December 27, 7:30 pm

Broadcast Info: CSN, 3WT Radio; FSN Pittsburgh, 105.9 FM

Media Notes:
Washington Post
Washington Times
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

In lieu of our regularly scheduled preview, please enjoy this dramatic reading featuring everyone's favorite puffy-lipped superstar...

A Day in the Life of Sidney Crosby

[Interior - Mario Lemieux's house, the Crosby wing.]

[Sunlight is streaming through the window onto the lacy pillow of one Sidney Crosby, who is snoring softly beneath a pink canopy. The alarm clock buzzes, rousing young Sid from his hockey-filled dreams. He grumbles something groggily that sounds like "Ovechkin!!" then swings out an arm to stop the incessant buzzing with one smack, the room sinking back into silence.]

[A strange voice breaks through...]

Errey: Wow! Did you see that, Steigy?

Steigerwald: I did indeed, Bob. Very impressive.

[Sid opens his eyes slowly and frowns. The room is silent once more and, confident that it was just a dream, Sid's eyes slowly close again. A few minutes pass and the snooze alarm kicks in; a hand reaches out to silence it and uses such force that the clock flies across the nightstand and onto the floor.]

S.: You just don't see strength like that in someone his age very often.

[Sid's eyes now fly open and he bolts straight up in bed, glancing around the room warily.]

SC: ...i-is someone there?

[Silence. Sid frowns, scratches his head in confusion and shrugs.]

SC: Weird dream. Guess I might as well get up...

[Sid climbs out of bed and pads to the bathroom, the rubber souls of his footie pajamas making satisfying scuffling noises on the carpet as he goes. He slips a little on the tile floor but catches himself on the door handle.]

E.: Holy mother of...that was close! Good thing he had the presence of mind to grab that handle.

SC [angrily]: Okay, seriously - who's there? Army? Whoever it is, it's not funny!

[Silence. With one more wary look around he reaches for his Mickey Mouse toothbrush and squeezes some bubblegum-flavored gel onto it.]

SC: Mmm...yummy. [Starts to brush]

S: Notice that technique, Bob. Sidney Crosby really looks at home with a toothbrush in his hand, doesn't he?

E: He sure does, Steigy. He sure does.

[Sid drops his toothbrush into the sink and whips around, searching the room for the voices. He rips open the shower curtain but finds no one there. As he pulls it closed again he stops to have a giggle at the funny pictures of fish all over the curtain but remembers that he's scared and quickly wipes the smile from his face.]

SC [nervously]: S-steigy? Bob? Is that you guys?

E: This kid's just super intelligent, Steigy.

SC: Where the heck are you? Come on, you can knock it off now.


SC [sighing]: Okay. Fine. Just...don't watch me change, okay?

[He wanders back into his room and closes the door, emerging a few minutes later fully dressed and fuming.]

SC: Well, they didn't have to laugh that hard...

[Stomping down the stairs he hops on the trolley that takes him to the main Lemieux living quarters, finding an empty kitchen and a note on the fridge.]

Sid -

Please pick up some milk and don't forget it's your day to unload the dishwasher. No friends over until it's done - and no food in the living room...

- Mario

S: Look at the concentration on his face. You just know he's about to do something great.

SC: Yeah, yeah.

[Pocketing the note, he heads back out to the front hall where he picks up his keys and the $20 bill that is now sitting there under a Post-It that says "for milk".]

E: And he did! Look at the way he swept those keys into his palm - like he was born to do it, Steigy.

S: I think he was, Bob.

[Sid walks outside and climbs into Mario's station wagon, pulling slowly out of the driveway and into the streets of Pittsburgh.]

S: I just never get tired of watching this kid execute a car in reverse.

E: You know he's making his hometown proud with that one.

SC [visibly annoyed]: Yeah, because they never see anyone drive in Canada.

E: And so modest too! I tell you what, he's really something special.

SC: Maybe we can play the silent game until we get to the store, okay, guys? First one to talk loses.

[The car is silent until Sid turns into the parking lot of the grocery store, when-]

E: That parking job was AMAZING!!

S: Right between the lines, Bob - that's some serious talent.

E: And look how good he was at being silent, too! Amazing.

[Sid heads toward the row of shopping carts and selects one; it has a wobbly wheel, though, so he puts it back and grabs another. After a few test rolls he's satisfied and he makes his way into the store.]

S: Now, see what he did there? The technique was just great. He knew that a wobbly wheel would not only slow him down but also cause excessive noise that would annoy his fellow shoppers.

E: That's right, Steigy. The selection of that non-wobbly wheeled cart was simply genius. Like poetry.

SC: Poetry. Uh-huh. You might also say incredible...or amazing...[rolling his eyes] At least you guys are easily impressed.

[He makes his way through the aisles, stopping to sign autographs and take pictures and kiss babies along the way until he reaches the dairy case. Pulling the note out of his pocket he glances at it and frowns.]

SC: Didn't say what kind...I guess we'll go with 1%. Or maybe 2%?, better make it the 1%.

E: Smart selection, Steigy. Very smart. Captains have to be good decision-makers and he showed how much he deserves that 'C' by picking the 1%.

S: Mario will be very pleased.

[Sid pays for the milk and, after hungrily eying the candy shelf next to the checkout, adds a chocolate bar and some gum to his purchases before heading out to the car.]

SC [muttering under his breath and glancing up at the ceiling]: Don't tell, okay, guys?

S: Ooh, he'll want to be careful there, Bob. You can bet that Mario will be checking the receipt.

[Sid looks nervous but then smiles, crumples up the receipt in his hand and triumphantly tosses it in the trash.]

E: Brilliant! He knew exactly how to handle that situation. He's got the sensibilities of someone twice his age - maybe even three times!

S: It's pretty special, Bob. Sidney Crosby is just a master of all -

SC: Okay, that's enough!! I can't...take it...anymore! You have to stop, you can't comment on ANYTHING I do anymore or I'll...I'll...I'll pinch you!

S: Whoa, look how angry he is! Sid's quite the competitor, Bob. He really knows when to let his temper show and he's showing it right now.

E: Almost makes you want to see what he can do in a fight, doesn't it?

S: Almost, Bob. Almost. I tell you, it's truly a joy to watch this kid every day.

E: I hear he's not a bad hockey player, either, Steigy. We should check that out sometime.

[Sid sighs.]

SC: I need a drink...


Murshawursha said...

I still want to see Crosby go a round with Ovie... and I don't count fighting with a visor on as winning his first one either.

Steph said...

Um, brilliant.

My particular favorite thing is the sheer number of times the noun "Steigy" appears in this post. That could possibly NOT be any more accurate. Once I get past the blinding contrast of FSN Pittsburgh, I'm left trying to conquer the horrendous announcing, and usually I give up after about five minutes and trust Elly will tell me if anything really important happens.

(Also OH MY GOD did you see how awesome Sidney Crosby was at BEING IN THIS POST? Holy. Crap.)

Chris & Sarah said...

Come live in the land of Sid for a few days. It's like the movie Shaun of the Dead with all the Sid-Love up here. Can't wait to get back home. Just have to avoid the Sid-ombies trying to suck my brain out for another week, get safe to the airport and back to Capsland.

Tyler said...

That's hilarious!! Great job.

Oh yea, GO PENS!!

Shelby said...

There really aren't words for how much that made me laugh. Kudos for being awesome.

DMG said...

(1) Crosby wears a visor but so does Ference, so no advantage there
(2) Was Crosby supposed to take his helmet off in that situation? Ference barely even gave him a chance to get his gloves off, it's not like they squared off from the faceoff
(3) You have to nuts to play anywhere, especially in the NHL, without a visor. Personal protection comes before proving your manhood (especially when you're already an NHL player) so I wouldn't fault anyone for fighting with a visor and I wouldn't be upset if I fought anyone with a visor.

CC, very nice job. Not only did it entertain me, it gave me an excuse not to do a preview of the game because there's no way I could top this.

Shelby said...

Damn those Flightless birds...

I hope Syd's poofy lips get frostbitten at the outdoor game.

Elly said...

Ha! That was amazingly funny, and the announcers' representation was quite accurate.

Pookie said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again, "Poor, poor Sid."

Great job, CC!